no one said it will be easy

Sometimes I wish you read this blog. Not all the posts are great, but isn’t that what best friends do? Support?
Every time you post, I find time in my day to read. You just keep my blog open, a tab among twenty, forgotten.
I know you’re busy, but you’re the one who pushed me to put my writing out there. I say I write for myself, but I like knowing you’ll be reading too.
But you aren’t and I don’t know how to tell you to. Isn’t it something you just do when it’s your best friend? You’re supposed to know what matters to me and make it priority in your life.
I learn about your favorite games and favorite albums, but somehow my desire to make you happy has overwritten me in our relationship.
I don’t ask for things because that’s not who I am. I can live without flowers and chocolates and surprises. I’m so happy just spending time with you. But I surprise you with gifts and give you what you need – you can’t write me a short love letter?
You tell me one day you want to get me a puppy. You tell me that you’ll sing a song for me. Your words are just open thoughts. That’s okay. I like one day because it makes me think we’re on a wonderful journey together.
Maybe. For my first dating relationship, I expected more romance. You’re one of my best friends because you’re a great conversationalist and a challenger of my comfort zone. I love that we’re more; when we are walking side by side you naturally grab my hand and you always kiss my lips and my forehead when we part. When I prattle on about my students, you listen wholly. You tell me you love me and those are my favorite words.
I just wish you read my posts.


Hope Standing

Eddy the Teddy was sure he had the fluffiest fur and perfect button nose and brightest red ribbon. For that reason he knew he would get picked first to go home with a loving family.

But this was not the case at all. As he sat regally flaunting his attributes, all the teddies beside him were picked. Sad, he ran away from the shop desperate to find a family. But boys and girls already had teddies of their own. Desolate he trudged back and got stuck in rose bush brambles and lost his nose and ripped his ribbon. Now Eddy was Raggedy.

Back at the store as he sat slumped, the bell rang at a new entrance. A little girl closely peered at each one and paused at Eddy. He tentatively offered her a smile and it got wider and wider the longer the girl smiled back at him. She picked him and hugged him. Eddy never stopped smiling after that.

Since the age of four, I remember that story. When I see a portion of a store with stuffed animals, I look through to see if there is one with sad eyes. It’s the one I always pick and bring into my family. Their eyes may not be perfectly aligned, there may be a hint of lopsided mouth, but everybody deserves love.

It was with this mentality I hesitated leaving a beautiful white reindeer behind in the work staff room. Gotten in a Michael’s grab box, she wasn’t needed as decor and with a broken legs she wasn’t wanted. But in the same leftover material was white plush twine. Using coffee stirrers I made makeshift legs for the reindeer and wrapped the twine around her legs to hide the wooden leg. The rest of the twine made for a coat.

I carry her nimbly, but I love seeing her able to stand tall all by herself. When I carry her around work, I get comments of how beautiful she is. I don’t reply; she was left in a bag dismissively. Now I share her with my family instead, my stuffed animals and Rich. Love only heals when beauty is seen in its pre-primer state. She’s my Hope Standing.

best friends

the excitement got to her
the puppy bounded all over her man
before she lay sprawled on her back
on top of him catching her breath
the boy looked at her sloppy grin
do you have enough room
the puppy nuzzled and yipped
curling into a comfortable ball
as he watched Dota 2 videos
he petted her head until she fell asleep.
midnight she stirred as his head went down
eager to play she wiggled and nudged
and the boy put her arm around her
she settled down for a minute
before she jumped on his tummy
with her front paws, ooof, her wagging
tail hit the boy awake, half groaning
he succumbed to playing
the reward of her kisses worth it

don’t buy him

he heard the jingle of my purse
and followed, suave he did not beg
but coquettishly lured me
to open up my bag, his eyes on the coins
i wondered if i gave it away freely
would i have made a committed investment?
but you showed up to best the greedy fellow
told me riches worked for are for keeps
there is honor in who i choose to share my lot
only a fox wants handouts, a real man wants
a dreaming partner, the equal labor of both
sustaining their big picture

messy girl and drooly boy

one a.m. watching naruto
we brushed our teeth
but i tempted him with my
fruit loops craving
he groaned at prospect of crumbs
but i’ve corrupted him
messy girl, he calls me
and irate when my feet
pulled off his perfectly tucked in
sheets, he threw the twisted wad
at my head. naturally i responded
melodramatically, leaping to storm out
tiptoeing to the door but he didn’t
take my bait. instead he hugged
a pillow in place of me. furious i
clacked away loudly on my laptop
only to notice the little puddle by
his mouth on the cushion. my laughter
woke him up and grumbling he pulled me
back into bed. ew don’t drool on me
i squealed and ignited a wrestling match

there is luck right in front of you

There was a full moon last night. The weather was more springlike than autumn. I hadn’t enough sleep. My plans to see Rich were altered and I had to sit around waiting.

I was sorely blue last night. The way I dealt with it was picking at any reason for why. Nothing good enough, I picked at the last one, not being able to see my love. He had a group project to finish and I waited for him in the computer lab. I directed all my negativity toward thoughts of him: he doesn’t prioritize me, he doesn’t really love me, our lives are headed in different directions what are we doing together –

When we finally saw each other, my sour mood was hard for me to overcome and for him to overlook. He didn’t give up though; his patience and persistence chipped away at me until I broke down crying. When he asked me why I was crying, I wailed I didn’t know. “You don’t know?” he asked incredulously and I insisted I really didn’t. The past week has been a lot of consecutive late nights of work. I was exhausted and it grew when there was linchpin in my To Do completions waiting for Rich to finish up his project. Sheer mental fatigue left me blue and I picked at thorns to explain my emotional state.

As I sobbed and clung to my love – which subsided when he held a straw up to my lips to help me guzzle down juice – liquid sugar to calm my nerves – I realized I was depressed. Sometimes it’s not for a specific reason; sometimes it’s just the body’s way to compensate for all the tension instead: a reminder sometimes we need to just lay in bed and not do anything. It’s a way to heal.

I wish I hadn’t overworked myself. I threw in blogging every night into the mix of nightly classroom preparations and it left me sleeping at midnight and joy deprived the next day. But I wish this because I was so embarrassed for Rich to see me so worn out. In his last year at the university, he is much more sprightly managing classes, homework, his job and still being able to go to special events like drag shows and dances and local band performances. When we finally see each other, there’s a clock ticking on how long before my eyes droop and I constantly feel guilty about it. I like that he sees me as a ferocious and ambitious force of nature – but when I use up 99% of that energy in the classroom, all I have left for him are snuggles and kisses and couch sharing.

But I learned last night that when you’re with the right person, what may embarrass you is exactly the reason he loves you more. Rich will now forever tease me about not knowing why I was crying but he will hold me tight just the same. It’s important to let other people in. In desperate effort to help myself feel better, I simply scrambled for a reason why I was feeling down and only found myself deeper in the rabbit hole. Voicing aloud to Rich my week, I realized I was simply grateful to finally be spending some time with him. I missed him.

Share the little and the big moments in your life with the people you love. It’s an easy cure; they’ll be your self-care reminders when you run the extra mile without water.
Luck’s definition varies for all, the basic meter ticks from most to not at all depending on whether or not you have what makes you the happiest. Let it be giving love and being loved – it’s the quickest guarantee to retain hope.